Minnesota Twins new logo is Weiss grafted onto a bottle of Bushmills
Latest Updates: scotch RSS
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Greg Lawrence
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Greg Lawrence
If Dave ever runs out of scotch, NORAD immediately changes to DEFCON 2
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andrew
Dave was unsure of what to add to the stimulus package, so he just smeared it with pork rinds and dribbled a few drops of viagra-enhanced bushmills on top. He ordered his personal assistant to fax 60 copies to Dubai where he and his advisors would review it at their leisure.
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andrew
When Dave Weiss moved “back home again” to Indiana in order to attend law school, 75% of the bars in Minneapolis went out of business within six months. He dictated long-winded letters of encouragement to the proprietors — urging them to stay the course and weather this economic shitstorm — but, in the end, they simply could no longer sell scotch.
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andrew
Dave Weiss started an acapella group that consisted of Dave Weiss, a gallon of scotch, and a galleon of sailors.
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andrew
Dave Weiss’s neck is actually a bottle of Bushmills that he welded with a blowtorch and painted with the flesh of fox news anchors.
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andrew
Dave debated campaign finance reform with the straight talk express for fourteen hours. he woke up the next day covered in pork rinds and scotch. turns out, he had been filibustering himself.
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Greg Lawrence
Weiss SAT challenge:
Come up with SAT-type questions in the Weiss-style of viral infection.Question 1. Dave Weiss can smell _____ from 5 miles away. Is it:
a. Fear
b. Whiskey slowing breathing on a walnut desk
c. Wilford Brimley’s moustache
d. All of the above, simultaneously -
Greg Lawrence
The play Hamlet is actually a treatise of Dave’s musings of slaughtering the Russian Royal family while downing Bushmills and mowing a lawn with the Brain Williams’ dentures. Dave hasn’t gotten over how Shakespeare missed all the ‘god damn details’
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andrew
A Few of Dave’s Favorite Things
Sweaters and scotch and whiskers on kittens
Fresh newspapers and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper bags tied up with strings
These are a few of his favorite thingsCream colored coffee and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild Turkey that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of his favorite thingsWolverine pants with bright yellow sashes
Snowflakes that stay on his nose and eyelashes
Midwestern winters that melt into drinks
These are a few of his favorite thingsWhen the Dave bites
Sonfa bee sting
When he’s feeling mad
He simply remembers his favorite things
And swallows a mettttth laaaaaaaaaaaab -
andrew
Dave Weiss and Luis Puga met in Minnesota at the Ventura compound. Dave was shotgunning bottles of Bushmill’s as he brushed up on his archery skills. Luis, ever the reporter, asked him what he was doing. He turned his head to the side, looked Luis in the eyes, loosed an arrow into an onrushing boar, and said, “Dinner.” Luis put his hand to his upper lip and found it moustached.
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andrew
Ever wonder where super delegates came from? Every year Dave eats all of the delegates, legs first — washing them down with a warm glass of scotch — and then gives birth to a super delegate. they are huge in stature yet naturally wishy-washy and non-committal as a side-effect of the Bushmills.
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andrew
He once provided a new ecosystem for an endangered ivory-billed woodpecker within the wooly confines of his neckbeard. Its health and virility improved within a week from a steady diet of Bushmills and second-hand smoke.
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scups
The first time I met Dave I was at the bar in the international terminal at the Manila airport. He was on his way to Laos, I was headed to Moscow via Tokyo. He nodded at me, ordered two bourbon and branch waters and brought the drinks over to my table. He carried no luggage — I found out later he never carries on — just Tuesday’s edition of the International Herald Tribune. He looked me up and down. “When you get to Moscow, ask for Igor Stravinslaka.” He nodded at the drinks. “Those’ll keep you warm. November in Moscow.” Before I could ask how he knew, he dropped the paper on the table. “I can’t do any more of this,” he said, and walked away. I looked down at the paper and saw one clue filled in on the crossword puzzle. It was 23 down, “Mystery,” 8 letters. In a blue ballpoint pen was the word “INTRIGUE.” I looked up. He was gone.
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edc
I wondered where Dave was over the month of January. He clearly had not updated his facebook page, and I was worried. Last I had seen him, he was completely plastered after a night of drinking out of other people’s cups at the Schooner Bar across from the Targhetto. As I carried him out to his car he whispered in my ear, “Don’t let any of these bikers beat me up”. Then he turned to the largest man with a ponytail that I have ever seen and said in a loud voice, “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” before throwing up all over the man’s leather vest… I only hope he’s ok.
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andrew
he totally did…and then he gargled with a liter of scotch to soothe his gums. he’s been teething ever since. scientists say he has over…well, they have no damn idea how many teeth, because they won’t get near that mouth. i heard he started a tapas restaurant and then devoured bea arthur leg-first in front of everyone.
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andrew
Dave once drank an entire bottle of Bushmill’s in my neighbors kitchen. He started yelling unintelligibly. Everyone was concerned when he started falling down and hitting on the refrigerator, but they loved him so much that they hoisted him up on their shoulders and made him the bull god. 9 weeks later the fridge gave birth to a frosty bottle of scotch wearing a wool sweater! it weighed 200 lbs!
