The healthcare bill was actually chiseled from Dave’s left ventricle. It was last-minute airlifted to the house and senate. Legend has it that Dave’s heart contains 34 illustrious chambers.
When asked about his contribution, Weiss shrugged, “I was in the neighborhood and somebody said ‘anesthesia’. And I was all like, “‘I’m in, coach.’”
Dave was unsure of what to add to the stimulus package, so he just smeared it with pork rinds and dribbled a few drops of viagra-enhanced bushmills on top. He ordered his personal assistant to fax 60 copies to Dubai where he and his advisors would review it at their leisure.
I neglected to mention in my original post that the Old Styles tasted like biblical honey, the Quaaludes I relegalized are now readily available over-the-counter at your local CVS or Walgreens, and that the sex with Joe Mauer really wasn’t all that great.
Once, I shotgunned seventeen Old Styles, signed an executive order relegalizing Quaaludes and mananged to have sex with Joe Mauer on home plate in the bottom of the fifth inning during the second game of the Royals’ series with the Twins.
His entry into the wonderful world of prescription drug abuse (and the beginning of a major fad for teenagers) began in drafting class in high school. He said it “calmed his nerves so he could draw a straight line”.
One day he gave me two vicodin and I spent the rest of the period twitching on the floor.
Dave Weiss’ image recently appeared at ______:
a. Underneath an overpass near Wall Drug North Dakota
b. Giant poster at a North Korea Happy Time Missile Fun Parade
c. Whenever Tom Brady closes his eyes
d. In candles, held by the population of Monaco, in perpeptual vigil of his imminent return
A Few of Dave’s Favorite Things
Sweaters and scotch and whiskers on kittens
Fresh newspapers and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper bags tied up with strings
These are a few of his favorite things
Cream colored coffee and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild Turkey that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of his favorite things
Wolverine pants with bright yellow sashes
Snowflakes that stay on his nose and eyelashes
Midwestern winters that melt into drinks
These are a few of his favorite things
When the Dave bites
Sonfa bee sting
When he’s feeling mad
He simply remembers his favorite things
And swallows a mettttth laaaaaaaaaaaab
I met Dave Weiss sophomore year of high school. I introduced myself as “Eryn” and he simply shook his head and said, “we’ll have to work on that”.
He introduced himself as Johnny Appleseed, which seemed to make sense given his burlap satchel. He carried it every day to class.
One day I inquired as to what might be in the sack. He asked, have you ever walked from South to the Burger King? I indeed had, picking my way over spent needles and thrice used condoms. Dave claimed sole responsibility for the crime in the area.
Turns out “Johnny Appleseed” should have called himself “Johnny Free-Crack-Pipes, Hookers and Blow”. Since graduation, the area has experienced remarkable urban renewal.
Check it out at Lake Street and Hiawatha, where you can now walk after 4pm without police escort.
I ran into a girl scout the other day and we started talking. Somehow the name “Dave Weiss” came up and she started crying. She told me the following true, yet disturbing tale: Last year, around cookie time, Dave Weiss had been strolling through the very mall that this girl scout had been innocently selling cookies. He approached her table and proceeded to buy several boxes of Thin Mints and walked away. Several hours later, when the girl was leaving the mall, a large black Cadillac Escalade with tinted windows drove up right beside her. She was thrown into the back of the car, blindfolded, and made to smell terrible things. For hours, perhaps days, the SUV drove around, music blaring. A voice would occasionally yell out, “YOUR THIN MINTS WERE NOT THIN ENOUGH”, and “SAMOAS??? BACK IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS, THOSE WERE CALLED CARAMEL DeLITES”. Although she was blindfolded the whole time, the young girl, through her amazing powers of deductive reasoning, figured out that her captor (More …)
