Dave Weiss Once Inhaled a Seagull

The healthcare bill was actually chisele …

andrew — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 18:31:21 +0000

The healthcare bill was actually chiseled from Dave’s left ventricle. It was last-minute airlifted to the house and senate. Legend has it that Dave’s heart contains 34 illustrious chambers.

When asked about his contribution, Weiss shrugged, “I was in the neighborhood and somebody said ‘anesthesia’. And I was all like, “‘I’m in, coach.’”

The Vikings trainers have approved Dave …

andrew — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 21:20:56 +0000

The Vikings trainers have approved Dave for action next week pending league approval of his new robopants. The tight end debuted these pants last week in warm-ups against the Panthers only to be sidelined by a case of neckbeard burn in a collision with fullback, Jim Kleinsasser.

The Biggest

andrew — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 17:36:55 +0000

While Sarah took credit for the biggest fib of the year, let the record please indicate that this mistruth was inspired by Dave Weiss’s statement to reporters last November:

“My opponent is in favor of death panels. I stand before you holding today’s issue of The Times. I plan to read it and then use it to wipe up the coffee residue left on my mahogany coffee table. My opponent would have you believe that this copy of The Times should be recycled. I say REUSE, my tanned-faced children. REUSE, then reduce, then RECYLCE! He says the panels of my beloved Times should head straight to an untimely death. For shame. Vote Weiss in ‘08. God bless America!”

Weiss was the Body

andrew — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:18:07 +0000

Little known fact: Weiss was Jesse the Body’s stunt double in Predator.

Acting Retirement

Greg Lawrence — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:15:50 +0000

Weiss lured Favre out of acting retirement by penning the sequel to “There’s Something About Mary” which solely consists of scenes in a Sbarro with Weiss and Favre watching an endless loop of Keyboard Cat in relative silence. Though it has yet to be filmed, the Academy has already awarded it the majority of the Oscars…

Brett came to Minnesota to match follicl …

Greg Lawrence — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:12:33 +0000

Brett came to Minnesota to match follicle growths with Weiss

Weiss won Brett Farve

Greg Lawrence — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:12:06 +0000

Weiss won Brett Farve in a high stakes Mississippian alligator talent show/pageant/luchador outing complete with air boats and flambouyant masks.

El Senor Seuter de Lana Maginfico – sponsored by Bushmills took all honors

dave takes two weeks paid time off each …

andrew — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:05:48 +0000

dave takes two weeks paid time off each year in order to walk on hot coals in death valley. he returns to the midwest just in time for the start of football season — specifically, the wolverines opener. people come from all across michigan to line-up with their prize-winning cows. he makes a hell of a foot burger.

The Crack

luscups — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 02:56:41 +0000

This is a true story, remembering Dave as a child…..his Gramma Goldie was fixing a rump roast for dinner and Dave invited hs friend to join him for dinner, assuring his worried little friend that “you don’t eat the crack.”

Weissweiler

andrew — Fri, 22 May 2009 18:39:18 +0000

With or without lipstick, Dave Weiss is a rottweiler wearing a sweater.

MLB

Greg Lawrence — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 02:14:28 +0000

Weiss is copyrighted by Major League Baseball, the NFL, and NBA. The NHL is on a probationary run.

Bellweather

andrew — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 02:13:44 +0000

Dave Weiss is still the best barometer of the US economy.

Mall Cop

andrew — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 02:11:56 +0000

Weiss was slated to play in the third mall cop movie of the year, but all of the sweaters disappeared from wardrobe and the project was scratched.

Kneecaps

Greg Lawrence — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:58:55 +0000

Weiss can migrate by electro-magnetic sensors behind his kneecaps.

The Twins

Greg Lawrence — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:58:06 +0000

Minnesota Twins new logo is Weiss grafted onto a bottle of Bushmills

Weisser Than Thou

Greg Lawrence — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:36:56 +0000

Of all the Dave Weisses in all the world, Dave Weiss is the Dave Weissiest

distillery

Greg Lawrence — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 19:57:56 +0000

Weiss is registered as a distillery with the State of South Dakota

Polar Bears

andrew — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:49:11 +0000

The random polar bear on LOST is actually Dave Weiss. He happened to be on-set at the time and ran out of Camels.

NORAD

Greg Lawrence — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:46:54 +0000

If Dave ever runs out of scotch, NORAD immediately changes to DEFCON 2

Gum

Greg Lawrence — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:46:08 +0000

Dave supplies Jaoquin Phoenix with all of his chewing gum