Updates from Greg Lawrence RSS
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12:15:50 am on December 17, 2009 |
Weiss lured Favre out of acting retirement by penning the sequel to “There’s Something About Mary” which solely consists of scenes in a Sbarro with Weiss and Favre watching an endless loop of Keyboard Cat in relative silence. Though it has yet to be filmed, the Academy has already awarded it the majority of the Oscars…
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12:12:33 am on December 17, 2009 |
Brett came to Minnesota to match follicle growths with Weiss
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12:12:06 am on December 17, 2009 |
Weiss won Brett Farve in a high stakes Mississippian alligator talent show/pageant/luchador outing complete with air boats and flambouyant masks.
El Senor Seuter de Lana Maginfico – sponsored by Bushmills took all honors
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09:14:28 pm on April 24, 2009 |
Weiss is copyrighted by Major League Baseball, the NFL, and NBA. The NHL is on a probationary run.
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11:58:55 am on April 23, 2009 |
Weiss can migrate by electro-magnetic sensors behind his kneecaps.
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11:58:06 am on April 23, 2009 |
Minnesota Twins new logo is Weiss grafted onto a bottle of Bushmills
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11:36:56 am on March 10, 2009 |
Of all the Dave Weisses in all the world, Dave Weiss is the Dave Weissiest
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02:57:56 pm on March 8, 2009 |
Weiss is registered as a distillery with the State of South Dakota
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10:46:54 pm on February 24, 2009 |
If Dave ever runs out of scotch, NORAD immediately changes to DEFCON 2
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10:46:08 pm on February 24, 2009 |
Dave supplies Jaoquin Phoenix with all of his chewing gum
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02:01:12 pm on February 22, 2009 |
Dave is actually composed of 5 robotic lions
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08:44:53 pm on February 3, 2009 |
Weiss hides his second pair of house keys under Blago’s rug
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08:12:02 pm on January 15, 2009 |
International Falls recorded a new sub-zero record of negative 36. Reports from ice fisherman claim that there’s very articulate Wooly BigFoot on CCM skates shouting “It’s too damn hot!” and setting their Ice Shacks on fire. They also claim that this pyro Sasquatch is a nimble skater and should replace Gaborik on the first line for the Wild.
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07:09:48 pm on December 26, 2008 |
“Weiss” is actually pronounced “Xenu”
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07:09:11 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave cobbled together the DNA of a mouth breather and a brown noser. Raising his laboratory platform high into the stormy night, his amalganation of undesirable traits rose off the operating table and crashed through the door, breathing audibly into the night. Many years later, that monstrosity goes by the name Romney.
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07:02:48 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave once asked for a nickel every time he heard that. After collecting over 10,000 of them, he went to the residence of Brentley Masteren and politely rang the doorbell. Mr. Masteren opened the door and Dave said, “Sir, you may not remember me, but 21 years ago you said to my youthful ears, ‘If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that.’ Well, it stuck with me.” Before he could respond, Dave stuffed all the nickels into Mr. Masteren’s pants, knocked him over the head, and threw the heavily weighted body into Lake Michigan. Now, whenever someone says that in Dave’s presence, he laughs uproariously, puts the speaker in a headlock, buys the man a shot of whiskey and proposes a toast to ‘Mr. Masteren – Nickels and All!’
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06:36:29 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave holds the real nuclear codes to the presidential ‘football’ in his framed ‘Gipper’ football pants from Ronald Reagan.
The inscription reads “To my Titan of the North, The only Man I trust. Luv, Ronnie.”
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06:33:58 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave bought a controlling stake in Swiss Miss on the condition that his face be put on the box. When the prototype was shown with his woolen pearly whites poised on the Swiss Miss body, Weiss steeled himself in clenched teeth and stated – “I want my face on the ‘box.’” His air quotes cut down half the board by their mere velocity. Swiss Weiss Miss can only be sold in Europe now. Weiss was quoted on BBC 12 “I couldn’t think of a more wholesome image.”
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06:32:47 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave holds the world land speed record using a Radio Flyer and “Vroom” noises
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06:31:09 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave had a display at the Museum of Modern art in Chicago consisting only of a waffle iron and Anderson Cooper’s big toe