Updates from andrew RSS
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01:31:21 pm on December 28, 2009 |
The healthcare bill was actually chiseled from Dave’s left ventricle. It was last-minute airlifted to the house and senate. Legend has it that Dave’s heart contains 34 illustrious chambers.
When asked about his contribution, Weiss shrugged, “I was in the neighborhood and somebody said ‘anesthesia’. And I was all like, “‘I’m in, coach.’”
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04:20:56 pm on December 22, 2009 |
The Vikings trainers have approved Dave for action next week pending league approval of his new robopants. The tight end debuted these pants last week in warm-ups against the Panthers only to be sidelined by a case of neckbeard burn in a collision with fullback, Jim Kleinsasser.
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12:36:55 pm on December 22, 2009 |
While Sarah took credit for the biggest fib of the year, let the record please indicate that this mistruth was inspired by Dave Weiss’s statement to reporters last November:
“My opponent is in favor of death panels. I stand before you holding today’s issue of The Times. I plan to read it and then use it to wipe up the coffee residue left on my mahogany coffee table. My opponent would have you believe that this copy of The Times should be recycled. I say REUSE, my tanned-faced children. REUSE, then reduce, then RECYLCE! He says the panels of my beloved Times should head straight to an untimely death. For shame. Vote Weiss in ‘08. God bless America!”
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12:18:07 am on December 17, 2009 |
Little known fact: Weiss was Jesse the Body’s stunt double in Predator.
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10:05:48 pm on July 20, 2009 |
dave takes two weeks paid time off each year in order to walk on hot coals in death valley. he returns to the midwest just in time for the start of football season — specifically, the wolverines opener. people come from all across michigan to line-up with their prize-winning cows. he makes a hell of a foot burger.
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01:39:18 pm on May 22, 2009 |
With or without lipstick, Dave Weiss is a rottweiler wearing a sweater.
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09:13:44 pm on April 24, 2009 |
Dave Weiss is still the best barometer of the US economy.
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09:11:56 pm on April 24, 2009 |
Weiss was slated to play in the third mall cop movie of the year, but all of the sweaters disappeared from wardrobe and the project was scratched.
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10:49:11 pm on February 24, 2009 |
The random polar bear on LOST is actually Dave Weiss. He happened to be on-set at the time and ran out of Camels.
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03:04:00 pm on February 22, 2009 |
Dave was unsure of what to add to the stimulus package, so he just smeared it with pork rinds and dribbled a few drops of viagra-enhanced bushmills on top. He ordered his personal assistant to fax 60 copies to Dubai where he and his advisors would review it at their leisure.
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02:20:05 pm on February 8, 2009 |
When Dave Weiss moved “back home again” to Indiana in order to attend law school, 75% of the bars in Minneapolis went out of business within six months. He dictated long-winded letters of encouragement to the proprietors — urging them to stay the course and weather this economic shitstorm — but, in the end, they simply could no longer sell scotch.
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08:09:39 pm on January 25, 2009 |
Dave Weiss started an acapella group that consisted of Dave Weiss, a gallon of scotch, and a galleon of sailors.
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10:10:35 pm on January 7, 2009 |
Dave Weiss entered Assembly Hall with five minutes to go and the hoosiers up double digits over the Wolverines. The Hoosiers shit themselves with fear and found themselves in OT. Dave stood just inside the doorway during OT, scratching his neckbeard and smoking a Camel. The Wolverines ran away with the game. The fans rioted. Dave ate them all and the riot gear for dessert.
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07:11:56 pm on December 26, 2008 |
I was searching Wikipedia for Sweatergate and discovered the following:
Dave Madoff with millions of dollars and purchased Obama’s senate seat. He resold it to Oprah for a cool trill and she, in turn, gave it to Gayle as a Christmas present. Things got a little out of hand at the Harpo New Year celebration and Oprah ate Gayle. Dr. Phil agreed to do a C-section, forgetting that he’s not actually a doctor. Thus, he hired the Video Professor to fill-in after being guaranteed a full refund if he wasn’t fully satisfied. All of television land agreed that the operation was a success. Gayle emerged 150 lbs, six oz and named the entire series of events the Mojave Experiment.
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07:10:37 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave Weiss’s neck is actually a bottle of Bushmills that he welded with a blowtorch and painted with the flesh of fox news anchors.
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05:03:12 pm on December 26, 2008 |
If Dave Weiss played football, he’d be wearing three pairs of pants. Also, he’d be similar to Tim Tebow…only with a giant handlebar moustache.
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05:02:24 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave Weiss is a giant killer sperm whale hybrid in a woolen football pants. Lanolin. He’s John McCain’s first white whale across the aisle cabinet member: Moby Slick.
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05:00:49 pm on December 26, 2008 |
dave weiss performed a partial birth abortion for sarah palin. turns out, she’d been raped by the truth.
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04:57:02 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave Weiss defrauded America of hundreds of thousands of dollars. He wisely and immediately reinvested it in Joe Six Packs.
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04:55:57 pm on December 26, 2008 |
Dave debated campaign finance reform with the straight talk express for fourteen hours. he woke up the next day covered in pork rinds and scotch. turns out, he had been filibustering himself.
