The healthcare bill was actually chiseled from Dave’s left ventricle. It was last-minute airlifted to the house and senate. Legend has it that Dave’s heart contains 34 illustrious chambers.
When asked about his contribution, Weiss shrugged, “I was in the neighborhood and somebody said ‘anesthesia’. And I was all like, “‘I’m in, coach.’”
The Vikings trainers have approved Dave for action next week pending league approval of his new robopants. The tight end debuted these pants last week in warm-ups against the Panthers only to be sidelined by a case of neckbeard burn in a collision with fullback, Jim Kleinsasser.
While Sarah took credit for the biggest fib of the year, let the record please indicate that this mistruth was inspired by Dave Weiss’s statement to reporters last November:
“My opponent is in favor of death panels. I stand before you holding today’s issue of The Times. I plan to read it and then use it to wipe up the coffee residue left on my mahogany coffee table. My opponent would have you believe that this copy of The Times should be recycled. I say REUSE, my tanned-faced children. REUSE, then reduce, then RECYLCE! He says the panels of my beloved Times should head straight to an untimely death. For shame. Vote Weiss in ‘08. God bless America!”
Little known fact: Weiss was Jesse the Body’s stunt double in Predator.
Brett came to Minnesota to match follicle growths with Weiss
El Senor Seuter de Lana Maginfico – sponsored by Bushmills took all honors
dave takes two weeks paid time off each year in order to walk on hot coals in death valley. he returns to the midwest just in time for the start of football season — specifically, the wolverines opener. people come from all across michigan to line-up with their prize-winning cows. he makes a hell of a foot burger.
This is a true story, remembering Dave as a child…..his Gramma Goldie was fixing a rump roast for dinner and Dave invited hs friend to join him for dinner, assuring his worried little friend that “you don’t eat the crack.”
With or without lipstick, Dave Weiss is a rottweiler wearing a sweater.
Weiss is copyrighted by Major League Baseball, the NFL, and NBA. The NHL is on a probationary run.
Dave Weiss is still the best barometer of the US economy.
Weiss was slated to play in the third mall cop movie of the year, but all of the sweaters disappeared from wardrobe and the project was scratched.
Weiss can migrate by electro-magnetic sensors behind his kneecaps.
Minnesota Twins new logo is Weiss grafted onto a bottle of Bushmills
Of all the Dave Weisses in all the world, Dave Weiss is the Dave Weissiest
Weiss is registered as a distillery with the State of South Dakota
The random polar bear on LOST is actually Dave Weiss. He happened to be on-set at the time and ran out of Camels.
If Dave ever runs out of scotch, NORAD immediately changes to DEFCON 2
Dave supplies Jaoquin Phoenix with all of his chewing gum
